the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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