You can't special order awesome
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
