I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
