sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
