I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
