3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
