I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
