so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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