dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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