Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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