I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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