Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
