winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
