life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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