I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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