I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
