Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
