I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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