i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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