Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
