You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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