If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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