She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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