Just fell off a train. Bad.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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