I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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