WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
