I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
