I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
