I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
