just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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