mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
