wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
