life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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