alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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