$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My feet surprised me
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