I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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