I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I forget how to act sober
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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