Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
