He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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