god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
