If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
