He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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