i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think a kid would responsible me up
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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