My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
