1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
where am i from again
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
