Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
