1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
