A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
