I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
