It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
