life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
