No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
