the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
