Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
